Rebuilding & Rainbows

It has been a while since I sat down here to write and share my thoughts with all of you. I still write of course but often in a journal that sits next to my bed, and most often I write to her, to my Annabella. I write to say hello, I ask for her guidance, and I write down words of love and as always how much I miss her.

When I think about 2013 I think of joy and I think of pain. The first six months of 2013 were a fairytale, it was real, it was our fairytale. We were living it. We were expecting our first child and we lived in the pregnancy bubble of sunshine and roses. I became engulfed in so much love for this person growing inside me. Nothing could go wrong.

Then the storm hit.

Where there once was sunshine, there were dark clouds, there was no longer light. Where there once was roses and flowers there was death. Our daughters death. We were taken in by this storm and came out with broken hearts and with our hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces. We came out lost and with a life we didn't know existed or know how to live in.  It is was a nightmare. But this was our life, it was real, we were living it.


Much of the early days were filled with anger, questions, sadness, pain, and many tears. These were the only emotions I knew for a while. That's when I realized many days were about survival. It was difficult to be who I was when all I knew was anger, and sadness. I had to live through everyday life under this darkness, dealing with day to day situations. I know now that having these feelings is OK. I've been told and have learned that this is normal.  I had to allow others to tell me this and to believe it but my daughter was gone, and the reality of that was painful. It was reality. As months passed I then had to make a choice.

Then came rebuilding.

Some days I still find myself trying to just survive the day, but for myself, much of my healing was about accepting that this was my new life and trying to rebuild it. I am not trying to live the life I used to have before Annabella or be who I used to be but I do have to rebuild my life as a mother, one who mothers a child with wings. I will NEVER accept that my daughter died but to survive I am learning to accept a new way of motherhood, a way to embrace my daughter even though she is not here. I am rebuilding a life with her, just without her.

 On this new journey of rebuilding, relationships have been strengthened, I have found new joys, I count my blessings daily, and I've let go of negativity. I was breathing new air, and I thank Annabella for this often, she opened by eyes and showed me life, love and blessings. Every so often during rebuilding some hinges come unloose and cracks are found. This again is normal, rebuilding takes time and care.

We are rebuilding on a foundation of pain, loss,  struggles and even love, the love for our Annabella. This foundation is what made us so strong and holds us together as a family, it makes us who we are but also provides us with a chance to start anew, to breathe life again.

Then came our rainbow.

15 week rainbow 

Our rainbow came in the form of another pregnancy, a sister or brother for Annabella. We call them rainbow pregnancies because they come after the storm of pain and loss of our babies. For anyone dealing with loss I think a rainbow can be a new found love, a new found hope, dream, or just simply finding happiness again. Not all rainbows come right away and they certainly don't mean that the rebuilding stops, along with the creaks and cracks that appear. Again, were still rebuilding on that old foundation. A friend sent me a quote that I hold so dear to my heart…

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope”

Mark and I feel so blessed for this new life, this rainbow has brought us joy and hope but we are still taking one day at a time. Each day is a blessing. Each morning I open my eyes, I lay my hand on my belly and say "thank you" aloud,  "Thank you for this new day with my baby". Every cramp and pain sparks an alarm for me and every ultrasound is nerve wracking.

This pregnancy brings up many daily emotions, fears and anxiety for all the questions and hurdles I may face and have already faced. "Is this your first child?" "How old is your first child?", "You must be so happy now"etc.  We are having having our second child, Annabella's little sister or brother. The space we hold in our hearts for Annabella will always be hers. If we have a girl, she will be our second girl, and no matter how many children we have one will always be missing. Forever.

Baby number two is due early September 2014 and still many days are about survival. Surviving the questions, the worry, the anxiety, and my still grieving heart.   But we are holding onto hope for in 6 months we plan to hold and kiss Annabella's new brother or sister and show them all the love that we have built up in our hearts and in our home.

With love and hopeful hearts,  The Sterk Family x