Who Am I?

Who am I today? Nearly three months in since losing Annabella I need to ask myself such questions everyday. Losing a child is a matter of rebuilding your life; your relationships, your career, and who you are as an individual. It is a matter of survival. Waking up I need to ask myself what goals I wish to accomplish. Some might be as simple as getting out of the house at least once to something requiring more strength such as going out to a social event. Moving forward and making these goals isn't always easy, it doesn't come naturally it's a choice. Time does help with healing but it's really up to me what my healing looks like. Some days it's lying in bed and some are out and about running errands. But then it can hit me like a freight train. The anger, the sadness, the emptiness...all the emotions that came along with her passing. I cannot be strong everyday and I still need help learning this lesson. It's often a matter of taking steps forward and some back...a push and pull. So back to the question, who am I today? It depends on the day but overall I'm just different now. I know I'm in a much better place with my grief but who I am has changed...I am different. In some ways good and some not so good.  It's now become custom to keep those who matter close. To see what's important and what's not worth my time. Those relationships that are in my life I try not to take for granted. Jealously of young families can seep in and anger towards being that 1 and 4 makes me wanna scream from the rooftops. Taking part in the 30 day photo challenge has been very helpful with my healing and has allowed a lot of reflection and springs some hope in my day. Perhaps it's the holidays but today is a step back day, and I'll still have many in the future. Everyday I can't be strong. So who am I today? I'm still figuring it out.