Back in July, on an unseasonably chilly summer day, gathered around the butterfly garden, we celebrated Annabella's first birthday- Although cold we felt such warmth from the support and love we were surrounded by that day. It was then my heart truly opened up to my pregnancy and for the new little that would soon join our family. The days and weeks that followed were filled with visiting friends, lounging on the beach, eating ice-cream, enjoying afternoon naps, and preparing for our son's arrival.
Then he was here. Our sweet Benjamin was here. All ten fingers, all ten toes. My heart hurts (in a good way) when I think back to the precious moments right before he made his grand arrival and the first time I saw his face, and held his body. I remember lots of tears and an overwhelming wave of joy, and surreal-ness. We were in love. Quite frankly, I wanted to shout to the rooftops that he was here- as if a small piece of me thought I was dreaming- could I really be this blessed? Is he actually mine? I get to take him home? He's healthy? - Yes, yes, yes, and YES!
Months before Benjamin's grand entrance I would often think about his arrival and the labour, yet I really didn't know what to make of all the thoughts. My first experience with labour and meeting my first child is A LOT different than what most parents experience. I still grieve for the innocence lost in pregnancy, the hopes and dreams... I'll admit that some of those tears I shed moments after Benjamin arrived were for Annabella. Seeing his bright blinking eyes and feeling him squirm in my arms reminded me of what we didn't have with her. A pang of what we lost flashed before me- a quick sting- but still a sting.
Some nights, after I hold and stare at Benjamin for the last time for the night- she pops right in there. Some nights in full force. I've come to realize some of this comes from simply staring at Benjamin and thinking of her. Some of it comes from thinking about that days events- especially when I get the question- "oh is this your first?" somedays, admittedly, hoping the conversation would stop there.
I have also come to realize the holidays bring small waves of grief to the surface- the stocking that will remain empty, hanging the ornaments with "In loving memory.." written on the back- again reminders of what was there for only a brief time, yet was all you ever wanted…something you wanted so very badly. And finally, being surrounded by family yet missing some, which happens for most people with any loved one who is no longer here.
So, there are still hard days- but overall I am happy, overjoyed, and tired- because thankfully I have a child to cuddle, play with, make funny faces at, and feed and change because he is healthy...and most importantly I am so in love with my sweet boy. I have gained new hopes and dreams- built upon those that were once lost, which I think makes these hopes and dreams so much stronger. I often scare myself- worried I'll squeeze him too hard, some days kissing him more times than I can count on my fingers and toes... or I'll just stare at him as he sleeps even though I should be doing something like laundry or dishes, or sleeping myself.
I came across an interesting message a fellow bereaved mama had posted, it went something along the lines of , "because they were there, you are here", which really struck me and has since resonated with me. Not one single day has ever gone by that I do not think of her- she was there in my belly, I carried her, I birthed her, she was there in my arms. But for myself it does help bring my heart some peace that Benjamin, amidst the loss and grief found his way to us- we gained a son, added to our family and quite simply, we are happy. There was new life- and we are looking forward to what it has to bring.
Sending love to all those missing a loved one this Christmas, and to our sweet children with wings.
Pictures from this years Angel Tree Lighting with Oma, aunt Rianna and Benjamin : )
Pictures from this years Angel Tree Lighting with Oma, aunt Rianna and Benjamin : )
