Defining Pregnancy After Loss

Hope.

The word hopeful has defined this pregnancy the most. 

I was hopeful for the positive pregnancy test, hopeful I didn't miscarry during the first trimester, hopeful I didn't show too early in fears of the questions I might face. I wanted to detach myself from this pregnancy.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant, I didn't want to attend social events, take pictures, or journal about this pregnancy. I was fearful of being so attached. Fearful of feeling lost and broken and even silly for being so naive if something was to go wrong. And secondly I was and still am grieving, as I always will. Annabella should be here. Sitting in my lap, head on my belly, "spending time" with her new brother or sister. She should be enjoying this experience with us.

You sometimes hear moms say "I hope I can love my second child as much as my first". These moms all know and have experienced the fact that you CAN and WILL love all your children the same, but when one child is in heaven and all you have is their memory the fear of leaving them out, forgetting them/others forgetting them and not honouring them hangs heavy on your heart. Our family will soon look like a family of three but it's a family of four.

We feel as if we have waited so long for this moment- to gain that hope back of holding and kissing and snuggling a child, our child. That desire to become physical, tired, hand's on parents.

We are parents of course, to a beautiful baby girl, whom we kissed and snuggled and love so very much, but we were not expecting to say goodbye to that much wanted physical side so soon. My empty arms have ached since that day we had to leave our girl behind. I still grieve for the coos and cries I do not  hear, the warmth one feels from snuggles, and for the emptiness I feel in our nursery and in our home; rooms that should be so full of life, yet feel so empty.

Blessed.

We feel so blessed to be pregnant, for this sweet life growing inside me. Each week that passes we are even more thankful that our baby's heart is still beating. We have gained so much gratitude for this blessing, such a new found gratitude. We love the daughter we already have and for each other. The love has grown so much stronger within our home.

Pessimism.

There are days when the hope is not always there.  It comes and goes. Some days I lose grasp completely thinking "something will go wrong". This fear of having my hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces, as they have been before.

Embrace. 

I say embrace because I am learning to embrace this pregnancy. Embracing this pregnancy has been and is hard. Being pregnant after loss was a journey I didn't foresee as being a challenge. I didn't imagine the overwhelming heartbreak that would flood back into my life and how grief would come flooding back, let alone the fear of having something go wrong.  I'm still finding ways that have been helping me to embrace this new little one and challenging myself to do so weekly.

Guilt.

To be very honest, most days  I wish I could stay in my house until September, to protect myself and this baby. More often then not, an unexpected sadness overcomes me when I think of the child I have, yet is not here. These days I miss her. A lot. I feel guilty for taking time out of my day for myself and baby when I should be snuggling and reading to Annabella as well. I worry she thinks we have moved on or perhaps others have felt we have moved on past the grief, that this baby makes everything better. It does not.

Letting Go.

Not letting go of the past or of the grief but of the fears, anger, pessimism, guilt, and making room for the love, blessings, and hope.



These words have defined my pregnancy. Each day my mind settles on one emotion, sometimes moving into another. Some days I feel all six of them. Some days I'm brave, sometimes I am not, and I know that is ok. I make goals for myself and talk to Annabella even more. I want her and need her to part of this pregnancy as much as she can and that is one thing that brings peace to my heart.