Here and There

Whoa. So much has changed since I last sat down here to write.

Back in July, on an unseasonably chilly summer day, gathered around the butterfly garden, we celebrated Annabella's first birthday- Although cold we felt such warmth from the support and love we were surrounded by that day. It was then my heart truly opened up to my pregnancy and for the new little that would soon join our family. The days and weeks that followed were filled with visiting friends, lounging on the beach, eating ice-cream, enjoying afternoon naps, and preparing for our son's arrival. 

Then he was here. Our sweet Benjamin was here. All ten fingers, all ten toes. My heart hurts (in a good way) when I think back to the precious moments right before he made his grand arrival and the first time I saw his face, and held his body. I remember lots of tears and an overwhelming wave of joy, and surreal-ness. We were in love. Quite frankly, I wanted to shout to the rooftops that he was here- as if a small piece of me thought I was dreaming- could I really be this blessed? Is he actually mine? I get to take him home? He's healthy? - Yes, yes, yes, and YES! 

Months before Benjamin's grand entrance I would often think about his arrival and the labour, yet I really didn't know what to make of all the thoughts. My first experience with labour and meeting my first child is A LOT different than what most parents experience. I still grieve for the innocence lost in pregnancy, the hopes and dreams... I'll admit that some of those tears I shed moments after Benjamin arrived were for Annabella. Seeing his bright blinking eyes and feeling him squirm in my arms reminded me of what we didn't have with her. A pang of what we lost flashed before me- a quick sting- but still a sting. 

Some nights, after I hold and stare at Benjamin for the last time for the night- she pops right in there. Some nights in full force. I've come to realize some of this comes from simply staring at Benjamin and thinking of her. Some of it comes from thinking about that days events- especially when I get the question- "oh is this your first?" somedays, admittedly, hoping the conversation would stop there. 

I have also come to realize the holidays bring small waves of grief to the surface- the stocking that will remain empty, hanging the ornaments with "In loving memory.." written on the back- again reminders of what was there for only a brief time, yet was all you ever wanted…something you wanted so very badly. And finally,  being surrounded by family yet missing some, which happens for most people with any loved one who is no longer here. 

So, there are still hard days- but overall I am happy, overjoyed, and tired- because thankfully I have a child to cuddle, play with, make funny faces at, and feed and change because he is healthy...and most importantly I am so in love with my sweet boy. I have gained new hopes and dreams- built upon those that were once lost, which I think makes these hopes and dreams so much stronger. I often scare myself- worried I'll squeeze him too hard, some days kissing him more times than I can count on my fingers and toes... or I'll just stare at him as he sleeps even though I should be doing something like laundry or dishes, or sleeping myself. 

I came across an interesting message a fellow bereaved mama had posted, it went something along the lines of , "because they were there, you are here", which really struck me and has since resonated with me. Not one single day has ever gone by that I do not think of her- she was there in my belly, I carried her, I birthed her, she was there in my arms. But for myself it does help bring my heart some peace that Benjamin, amidst the loss and grief found his way to us- we gained a son, added to our family and quite simply, we are happy. There was new life- and we are looking forward to what it has to bring.  

Sending love to all those missing a loved one this Christmas, and to our sweet children with wings.

Pictures from this years Angel Tree Lighting with Oma, aunt Rianna and Benjamin : )

The Week We Said Goodbye

I'm standing in the kitchen, staring out our large front window, thinking of her….I turn to the stove where my lunch is burning, I turn back and there she is to remind me of all her love. A large monarch butterfly flutters in front of my window and within seconds is gone again. I stood there, and in an instant a tear rolls down my cheek and I whisper, "I miss you too"…..

Much of my mind and heart have been occupied with Annabella lately because I know I must face the reality of it being one year since we said goodbye. One year since I held her tiny body, kissed her soft little nose, held her hand and breathed her in. 

There are parts of my heart that are still raw and healing and the memories are still fresh of the pain we felt that week and the moment we handed her back. Since that moment my arms have ached to hold her and I think they always will. 

A year ago, July brought so much anger, sadness, and heartbreak into our lives. It was a month that a freight train ploughed through our hopes and dreams and left us feeling stranded. I often shake my head and wonder how that was and is our reality and how in the hell we made it through one year later. In the beginning I often would hope I was dreaming and wake up from the nightmare but these days I fear how time has moved so fast and that people will forget her. It's a fear all bereaved parents have, that our babies will be forgotten. 

After seven months of feeling, caring, and growing my sweet daughter inside me, she was gone, but she was there, she was real, she was our baby, she was loved...she was and always will be our daughter.  I have become unexpectedly anxious these days in fear if it were to happen again, to our son.  I feel his hiccups, his foot as it pushes against my belly, we see him waving on the ultrasound screen and sucking his thumb. Just as she was, he is our child, very real, and very much loved. 

 It's so much more than a living life that grows within a mother. Your heart instantly fills with so much love for this child you don't really even know. You think of where you'll take them, clothes you'd dress them in, you imagine holding them and rocking them to sleep. A year ago, we were so close to having all these things. A child becomes your life and body and when you lose them a big piece of yourself and your heart goes with them. 

We will always miss her and this July 19th marks her first birthday in heaven. A child turning one is a momentous milestone. One where most parents plan an exciting party to mark the big occasion. Besides the cake, the photos, and the gathering of friends and family a child turning one is special because over that year your child has grown so much and they are becoming unique individuals. So, just like all bereaved parents we ache and grieve for the personality we never got to know, the adventurous crawling body, the giggles and mumbles, the teeth that would be growing in, the cries, the hugs... everything. We grieve for what was suppose to be. This will never change. 

We are blessed to be expecting a son but losing Annabella will always be part of me, our story, and along with her being very real so are all the emotions and memories that are attached to losing her. They are engrained in my heart and will never go away. This past year I have felt incredible pain and hurt but also found joy, love and hope again. I have gained life with expecting our son and we feel so blessed for this. And as I have always stated, she made me better and even without her here she has had such a large impact on my life and for that I am grateful. 

On good days and especially the bad days she finds a way to pop into my life and for a minute I stop, smile to myself and I can feel my heart skip a beat. Just like that monarch butterfly outside my window, and for most butterflies, out of nowhere they appear and for a minute we stand and watch, perhaps watching them land. They don't stay for long and soon they are off fluttering away. But in that short moment we stop, stare and smile. 

This upcoming week marks the precious moments that I laboured and met Annabella, kissed her, held her, soaked her in. We became parents to a daughter and this makes us proud. She was and always will be a piece of us and part of our family. 

This week I plan on honouring Annabella and welcome friends and family to join in if they wish. Each day will be different and captured through a photo that will be posted to instagram/facebook. I hope this challenge may help my healing heart through this week. If you wish to join in feel free to hashtag your photo with #AngelA

Monday July 14th: Wear pink or white 
Tuesday July 15th: Write her name 
Wednesday July 16th: Light a candle for Annabella
Thursday July 17th: Photograph sunset or sunrise
Friday July 18th: Do something kind in her name
Saturday July 19th: Butterfly Photo

We miss you and love you, happy birthday sweet girl. xo 

'

It's A……!

I have spoken lots about learning to embrace this pregnancy. Unfortunately, this time around it hasn't come so easy, so these past 18 weeks I have learned some ways that have been helpful in terms of "embracement". Some things that have been personally helpful for me are: 

Honesty: Learning to not fear the question "Is this your first?"- "No it's not, I have a baby girl who now lives in heaven, and no I am not sad that you asked, I LOVE talking about her as often as I can, she is still my child, my baby".

Belly Photos:  I began taking belly pictures at 12 weeks of pregnancy. This was difficult, but I've pushed myself to do it and I know how much I'll appreciate it later.

Taking Me Time: Taking time for myself, plain and simple. Time to breathe, let go, and just be. 

Annabella Time:  Giving myself permission to miss her, cry, write to her, talk about her and to her.

Baby Time:  Reading Annabella's books to the baby and listening to Annabella songs.Taking prenatal classes such as yoga, giving myself time to bond with baby and be alone with my thoughts, even if its spending time thinking about BOTH my children and what I am thankful for : )

Finally, we chose to find out the gender of our baby.

We had to really think about this, finding out the gender of this baby or not. After searching our hearts we both came to the conclusion that it would bring excitement and joy back to this pregnancy. It has been hard to bond with this baby and since knowing the gender that bond has grown tremendously. Of course finding out the gender isn't something everyone plans on doing and does not mean you can't bond or love your baby but you have to do what feels best for you, what helps your heart, and this was something that helped ours.

I took a sealed envelope to a local baker and had her fill two cupcakes with icing- either blue or pink. We sat and had a nice dinner at home and for dessert- the cupcakes. We were both so nervous, me especially, and then we bit into them! It was an amazing experience! We laughed, cried a little, and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. It became much more real for me. I was going to be a mother of two. I wanted to tell our friends and family who would be joining our family, but in a special way of course.

So then came the gender reveal gathering.

On a beautiful sunny afternoon with loved ones all around we ate, talked about the baby, and everyone made their guesses. I set up some "guessing games", provided blue or pink punch, and blue and pink decorations were spread throughout our home. 

Below are some pictures from the day, and at 1:30 pm we all bit into cupcakes I had made earlier, all filled with the appropriate colour of icing…

Our guests snapped photos of their guess with either a moustache or lips…

 TIME FOR THE REVEAL!

IT'S A BOY!

Annabella will have a new little brother : ) 

The reaction...

Such a wonderful, loving day!

Blue onesie sent in the mail from a dear friend for our lil man! 

Mark, Annabella, baby and I want to thank everyone for their kindness and love that day and all that has been given during this pregnancy. Later that evening, I thought about the day and reflected on how blessed we are to be surrounded by so much love. I thought about her lots that evening, wishing she could have been there. I know she is watching over her new brother and that is one thing that I know is special to him and our family. 

Check out the (funny/nervous) video from the first time Mark and I got to find out the gender…

as you can guess, I was so sure I was having a girl, but we are over the moon were welcoming a son to our family : ) 

Defining Pregnancy After Loss

Hope.

The word hopeful has defined this pregnancy the most. 

I was hopeful for the positive pregnancy test, hopeful I didn't miscarry during the first trimester, hopeful I didn't show too early in fears of the questions I might face. I wanted to detach myself from this pregnancy.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant, I didn't want to attend social events, take pictures, or journal about this pregnancy. I was fearful of being so attached. Fearful of feeling lost and broken and even silly for being so naive if something was to go wrong. And secondly I was and still am grieving, as I always will. Annabella should be here. Sitting in my lap, head on my belly, "spending time" with her new brother or sister. She should be enjoying this experience with us.

You sometimes hear moms say "I hope I can love my second child as much as my first". These moms all know and have experienced the fact that you CAN and WILL love all your children the same, but when one child is in heaven and all you have is their memory the fear of leaving them out, forgetting them/others forgetting them and not honouring them hangs heavy on your heart. Our family will soon look like a family of three but it's a family of four.

We feel as if we have waited so long for this moment- to gain that hope back of holding and kissing and snuggling a child, our child. That desire to become physical, tired, hand's on parents.

We are parents of course, to a beautiful baby girl, whom we kissed and snuggled and love so very much, but we were not expecting to say goodbye to that much wanted physical side so soon. My empty arms have ached since that day we had to leave our girl behind. I still grieve for the coos and cries I do not  hear, the warmth one feels from snuggles, and for the emptiness I feel in our nursery and in our home; rooms that should be so full of life, yet feel so empty.

Blessed.

We feel so blessed to be pregnant, for this sweet life growing inside me. Each week that passes we are even more thankful that our baby's heart is still beating. We have gained so much gratitude for this blessing, such a new found gratitude. We love the daughter we already have and for each other. The love has grown so much stronger within our home.

Pessimism.

There are days when the hope is not always there.  It comes and goes. Some days I lose grasp completely thinking "something will go wrong". This fear of having my hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces, as they have been before.

Embrace. 

I say embrace because I am learning to embrace this pregnancy. Embracing this pregnancy has been and is hard. Being pregnant after loss was a journey I didn't foresee as being a challenge. I didn't imagine the overwhelming heartbreak that would flood back into my life and how grief would come flooding back, let alone the fear of having something go wrong.  I'm still finding ways that have been helping me to embrace this new little one and challenging myself to do so weekly.

Guilt.

To be very honest, most days  I wish I could stay in my house until September, to protect myself and this baby. More often then not, an unexpected sadness overcomes me when I think of the child I have, yet is not here. These days I miss her. A lot. I feel guilty for taking time out of my day for myself and baby when I should be snuggling and reading to Annabella as well. I worry she thinks we have moved on or perhaps others have felt we have moved on past the grief, that this baby makes everything better. It does not.

Letting Go.

Not letting go of the past or of the grief but of the fears, anger, pessimism, guilt, and making room for the love, blessings, and hope.



These words have defined my pregnancy. Each day my mind settles on one emotion, sometimes moving into another. Some days I feel all six of them. Some days I'm brave, sometimes I am not, and I know that is ok. I make goals for myself and talk to Annabella even more. I want her and need her to part of this pregnancy as much as she can and that is one thing that brings peace to my heart. 

Rebuilding & Rainbows

It has been a while since I sat down here to write and share my thoughts with all of you. I still write of course but often in a journal that sits next to my bed, and most often I write to her, to my Annabella. I write to say hello, I ask for her guidance, and I write down words of love and as always how much I miss her.

When I think about 2013 I think of joy and I think of pain. The first six months of 2013 were a fairytale, it was real, it was our fairytale. We were living it. We were expecting our first child and we lived in the pregnancy bubble of sunshine and roses. I became engulfed in so much love for this person growing inside me. Nothing could go wrong.

Then the storm hit.

Where there once was sunshine, there were dark clouds, there was no longer light. Where there once was roses and flowers there was death. Our daughters death. We were taken in by this storm and came out with broken hearts and with our hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces. We came out lost and with a life we didn't know existed or know how to live in.  It is was a nightmare. But this was our life, it was real, we were living it.


Much of the early days were filled with anger, questions, sadness, pain, and many tears. These were the only emotions I knew for a while. That's when I realized many days were about survival. It was difficult to be who I was when all I knew was anger, and sadness. I had to live through everyday life under this darkness, dealing with day to day situations. I know now that having these feelings is OK. I've been told and have learned that this is normal.  I had to allow others to tell me this and to believe it but my daughter was gone, and the reality of that was painful. It was reality. As months passed I then had to make a choice.

Then came rebuilding.

Some days I still find myself trying to just survive the day, but for myself, much of my healing was about accepting that this was my new life and trying to rebuild it. I am not trying to live the life I used to have before Annabella or be who I used to be but I do have to rebuild my life as a mother, one who mothers a child with wings. I will NEVER accept that my daughter died but to survive I am learning to accept a new way of motherhood, a way to embrace my daughter even though she is not here. I am rebuilding a life with her, just without her.

 On this new journey of rebuilding, relationships have been strengthened, I have found new joys, I count my blessings daily, and I've let go of negativity. I was breathing new air, and I thank Annabella for this often, she opened by eyes and showed me life, love and blessings. Every so often during rebuilding some hinges come unloose and cracks are found. This again is normal, rebuilding takes time and care.

We are rebuilding on a foundation of pain, loss,  struggles and even love, the love for our Annabella. This foundation is what made us so strong and holds us together as a family, it makes us who we are but also provides us with a chance to start anew, to breathe life again.

Then came our rainbow.

15 week rainbow 

Our rainbow came in the form of another pregnancy, a sister or brother for Annabella. We call them rainbow pregnancies because they come after the storm of pain and loss of our babies. For anyone dealing with loss I think a rainbow can be a new found love, a new found hope, dream, or just simply finding happiness again. Not all rainbows come right away and they certainly don't mean that the rebuilding stops, along with the creaks and cracks that appear. Again, were still rebuilding on that old foundation. A friend sent me a quote that I hold so dear to my heart…

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope”

Mark and I feel so blessed for this new life, this rainbow has brought us joy and hope but we are still taking one day at a time. Each day is a blessing. Each morning I open my eyes, I lay my hand on my belly and say "thank you" aloud,  "Thank you for this new day with my baby". Every cramp and pain sparks an alarm for me and every ultrasound is nerve wracking.

This pregnancy brings up many daily emotions, fears and anxiety for all the questions and hurdles I may face and have already faced. "Is this your first child?" "How old is your first child?", "You must be so happy now"etc.  We are having having our second child, Annabella's little sister or brother. The space we hold in our hearts for Annabella will always be hers. If we have a girl, she will be our second girl, and no matter how many children we have one will always be missing. Forever.

Baby number two is due early September 2014 and still many days are about survival. Surviving the questions, the worry, the anxiety, and my still grieving heart.   But we are holding onto hope for in 6 months we plan to hold and kiss Annabella's new brother or sister and show them all the love that we have built up in our hearts and in our home.

With love and hopeful hearts,  The Sterk Family x