The Week We Said Goodbye

I'm standing in the kitchen, staring out our large front window, thinking of her….I turn to the stove where my lunch is burning, I turn back and there she is to remind me of all her love. A large monarch butterfly flutters in front of my window and within seconds is gone again. I stood there, and in an instant a tear rolls down my cheek and I whisper, "I miss you too"…..

Much of my mind and heart have been occupied with Annabella lately because I know I must face the reality of it being one year since we said goodbye. One year since I held her tiny body, kissed her soft little nose, held her hand and breathed her in. 

There are parts of my heart that are still raw and healing and the memories are still fresh of the pain we felt that week and the moment we handed her back. Since that moment my arms have ached to hold her and I think they always will. 

A year ago, July brought so much anger, sadness, and heartbreak into our lives. It was a month that a freight train ploughed through our hopes and dreams and left us feeling stranded. I often shake my head and wonder how that was and is our reality and how in the hell we made it through one year later. In the beginning I often would hope I was dreaming and wake up from the nightmare but these days I fear how time has moved so fast and that people will forget her. It's a fear all bereaved parents have, that our babies will be forgotten. 

After seven months of feeling, caring, and growing my sweet daughter inside me, she was gone, but she was there, she was real, she was our baby, she was loved...she was and always will be our daughter.  I have become unexpectedly anxious these days in fear if it were to happen again, to our son.  I feel his hiccups, his foot as it pushes against my belly, we see him waving on the ultrasound screen and sucking his thumb. Just as she was, he is our child, very real, and very much loved. 

 It's so much more than a living life that grows within a mother. Your heart instantly fills with so much love for this child you don't really even know. You think of where you'll take them, clothes you'd dress them in, you imagine holding them and rocking them to sleep. A year ago, we were so close to having all these things. A child becomes your life and body and when you lose them a big piece of yourself and your heart goes with them. 

We will always miss her and this July 19th marks her first birthday in heaven. A child turning one is a momentous milestone. One where most parents plan an exciting party to mark the big occasion. Besides the cake, the photos, and the gathering of friends and family a child turning one is special because over that year your child has grown so much and they are becoming unique individuals. So, just like all bereaved parents we ache and grieve for the personality we never got to know, the adventurous crawling body, the giggles and mumbles, the teeth that would be growing in, the cries, the hugs... everything. We grieve for what was suppose to be. This will never change. 

We are blessed to be expecting a son but losing Annabella will always be part of me, our story, and along with her being very real so are all the emotions and memories that are attached to losing her. They are engrained in my heart and will never go away. This past year I have felt incredible pain and hurt but also found joy, love and hope again. I have gained life with expecting our son and we feel so blessed for this. And as I have always stated, she made me better and even without her here she has had such a large impact on my life and for that I am grateful. 

On good days and especially the bad days she finds a way to pop into my life and for a minute I stop, smile to myself and I can feel my heart skip a beat. Just like that monarch butterfly outside my window, and for most butterflies, out of nowhere they appear and for a minute we stand and watch, perhaps watching them land. They don't stay for long and soon they are off fluttering away. But in that short moment we stop, stare and smile. 

This upcoming week marks the precious moments that I laboured and met Annabella, kissed her, held her, soaked her in. We became parents to a daughter and this makes us proud. She was and always will be a piece of us and part of our family. 

This week I plan on honouring Annabella and welcome friends and family to join in if they wish. Each day will be different and captured through a photo that will be posted to instagram/facebook. I hope this challenge may help my healing heart through this week. If you wish to join in feel free to hashtag your photo with #AngelA

Monday July 14th: Wear pink or white 
Tuesday July 15th: Write her name 
Wednesday July 16th: Light a candle for Annabella
Thursday July 17th: Photograph sunset or sunrise
Friday July 18th: Do something kind in her name
Saturday July 19th: Butterfly Photo

We miss you and love you, happy birthday sweet girl. xo 

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