It's A……!

I have spoken lots about learning to embrace this pregnancy. Unfortunately, this time around it hasn't come so easy, so these past 18 weeks I have learned some ways that have been helpful in terms of "embracement". Some things that have been personally helpful for me are: 

Honesty: Learning to not fear the question "Is this your first?"- "No it's not, I have a baby girl who now lives in heaven, and no I am not sad that you asked, I LOVE talking about her as often as I can, she is still my child, my baby".

Belly Photos:  I began taking belly pictures at 12 weeks of pregnancy. This was difficult, but I've pushed myself to do it and I know how much I'll appreciate it later.

Taking Me Time: Taking time for myself, plain and simple. Time to breathe, let go, and just be. 

Annabella Time:  Giving myself permission to miss her, cry, write to her, talk about her and to her.

Baby Time:  Reading Annabella's books to the baby and listening to Annabella songs.Taking prenatal classes such as yoga, giving myself time to bond with baby and be alone with my thoughts, even if its spending time thinking about BOTH my children and what I am thankful for : )

Finally, we chose to find out the gender of our baby.

We had to really think about this, finding out the gender of this baby or not. After searching our hearts we both came to the conclusion that it would bring excitement and joy back to this pregnancy. It has been hard to bond with this baby and since knowing the gender that bond has grown tremendously. Of course finding out the gender isn't something everyone plans on doing and does not mean you can't bond or love your baby but you have to do what feels best for you, what helps your heart, and this was something that helped ours.

I took a sealed envelope to a local baker and had her fill two cupcakes with icing- either blue or pink. We sat and had a nice dinner at home and for dessert- the cupcakes. We were both so nervous, me especially, and then we bit into them! It was an amazing experience! We laughed, cried a little, and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. It became much more real for me. I was going to be a mother of two. I wanted to tell our friends and family who would be joining our family, but in a special way of course.

So then came the gender reveal gathering.

On a beautiful sunny afternoon with loved ones all around we ate, talked about the baby, and everyone made their guesses. I set up some "guessing games", provided blue or pink punch, and blue and pink decorations were spread throughout our home. 

Below are some pictures from the day, and at 1:30 pm we all bit into cupcakes I had made earlier, all filled with the appropriate colour of icing…

Our guests snapped photos of their guess with either a moustache or lips…

 TIME FOR THE REVEAL!

IT'S A BOY!

Annabella will have a new little brother : ) 

The reaction...

Such a wonderful, loving day!

Blue onesie sent in the mail from a dear friend for our lil man! 

Mark, Annabella, baby and I want to thank everyone for their kindness and love that day and all that has been given during this pregnancy. Later that evening, I thought about the day and reflected on how blessed we are to be surrounded by so much love. I thought about her lots that evening, wishing she could have been there. I know she is watching over her new brother and that is one thing that I know is special to him and our family. 

Check out the (funny/nervous) video from the first time Mark and I got to find out the gender…

as you can guess, I was so sure I was having a girl, but we are over the moon were welcoming a son to our family : ) 

Defining Pregnancy After Loss

Hope.

The word hopeful has defined this pregnancy the most. 

I was hopeful for the positive pregnancy test, hopeful I didn't miscarry during the first trimester, hopeful I didn't show too early in fears of the questions I might face. I wanted to detach myself from this pregnancy.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant, I didn't want to attend social events, take pictures, or journal about this pregnancy. I was fearful of being so attached. Fearful of feeling lost and broken and even silly for being so naive if something was to go wrong. And secondly I was and still am grieving, as I always will. Annabella should be here. Sitting in my lap, head on my belly, "spending time" with her new brother or sister. She should be enjoying this experience with us.

You sometimes hear moms say "I hope I can love my second child as much as my first". These moms all know and have experienced the fact that you CAN and WILL love all your children the same, but when one child is in heaven and all you have is their memory the fear of leaving them out, forgetting them/others forgetting them and not honouring them hangs heavy on your heart. Our family will soon look like a family of three but it's a family of four.

We feel as if we have waited so long for this moment- to gain that hope back of holding and kissing and snuggling a child, our child. That desire to become physical, tired, hand's on parents.

We are parents of course, to a beautiful baby girl, whom we kissed and snuggled and love so very much, but we were not expecting to say goodbye to that much wanted physical side so soon. My empty arms have ached since that day we had to leave our girl behind. I still grieve for the coos and cries I do not  hear, the warmth one feels from snuggles, and for the emptiness I feel in our nursery and in our home; rooms that should be so full of life, yet feel so empty.

Blessed.

We feel so blessed to be pregnant, for this sweet life growing inside me. Each week that passes we are even more thankful that our baby's heart is still beating. We have gained so much gratitude for this blessing, such a new found gratitude. We love the daughter we already have and for each other. The love has grown so much stronger within our home.

Pessimism.

There are days when the hope is not always there.  It comes and goes. Some days I lose grasp completely thinking "something will go wrong". This fear of having my hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces, as they have been before.

Embrace. 

I say embrace because I am learning to embrace this pregnancy. Embracing this pregnancy has been and is hard. Being pregnant after loss was a journey I didn't foresee as being a challenge. I didn't imagine the overwhelming heartbreak that would flood back into my life and how grief would come flooding back, let alone the fear of having something go wrong.  I'm still finding ways that have been helping me to embrace this new little one and challenging myself to do so weekly.

Guilt.

To be very honest, most days  I wish I could stay in my house until September, to protect myself and this baby. More often then not, an unexpected sadness overcomes me when I think of the child I have, yet is not here. These days I miss her. A lot. I feel guilty for taking time out of my day for myself and baby when I should be snuggling and reading to Annabella as well. I worry she thinks we have moved on or perhaps others have felt we have moved on past the grief, that this baby makes everything better. It does not.

Letting Go.

Not letting go of the past or of the grief but of the fears, anger, pessimism, guilt, and making room for the love, blessings, and hope.



These words have defined my pregnancy. Each day my mind settles on one emotion, sometimes moving into another. Some days I feel all six of them. Some days I'm brave, sometimes I am not, and I know that is ok. I make goals for myself and talk to Annabella even more. I want her and need her to part of this pregnancy as much as she can and that is one thing that brings peace to my heart.