Congratulations Your A Mommy

As the title reads, I received an email from Nestle today titled with those very words...Congratulations Your a Mommy!  It stung. Bad.

I received this email quite possibly because Annabella's estimated due date was this coming Saturday, September 21st. Although it was an estimate this date is becoming much more unanticipated then I had thought.

In two weeks time I would have been guaranteed a new life. I should have been staying up to the wee hours of the morning, breastfeeding, singing lullabies, and rocking my baby to sleep. In two weeks I would have been guaranteed all these things. Things I wanted so badly.

Despite the initial sting of those words I am also reminded that I am a mother. I have come to realize that yes pregnancy doesn't always guarantee a child to hold, to rock, to feed, but it does make us moms. I am very different than many mothers but one thing we do have in common is the deepest and strongest love for our children.

I am fortunate for the seven months I spent with my daughter. I took care of her, spoke to her, poked at my belly to say hello. I am so very fortunate I got to meet her, kiss her, and soak her in. For some moms the time spent with their babies is much shorter but they are still moms, just very different.

I am a mother with no baby to hold but not a day goes by that I don't take her with me for is she always in my heart and on my mind.

Healing: Sharing the Love

I was very unsure if I wanted to share my writings and continue my blog since losing Annabella. In the past I have found writing very enjoyable and shared some of my most exciting moments. We shared our travels around Australia, New Zealand and Fiji and our journey through our first pregnancy. Those are such happy memories.

In this part of my life I have had to realize that pregnancy is not a promise. It does not guarantee a baby at the end. The life I had planned and imagined was not gone per say,  just different, incredibly different. My days now consist of constant thoughts about Annabella and how much I miss her. I'm trying to find ways to heal after my heart has been broken into a million pieces. In fact, it was difficult coming back onto my blog and seeing how happy I was, my pregnant belly, and to now look at where we are today.

These past several weeks seem blurry. I didn't feel like myself and I had to look into the mirror each day and convince myself that this was my life and that I wasn't dreaming. My arms ached from not holding my baby. Days were hard, long, and lonely. I don't like to recount those days and I won't right now, but I also know that all those tears and aching moments were because I had so much love for Annabella and didn't know what to do with it...

Daddy Holding Annabella's Hand 

Annabella's life was precious and sacred, it was valuable, it meant something, and will continue to mean something. I had so much love for her and I had felt robbed of being a mother and showering her with cuddles and love. I was angry and frustrated. I didn't believe or want my love for her to belong to anyone else but her. Now I see that her love and my love for her can radiate itself onto my life and that with my husband. Showing my friends, family and my husband how much I love them is like sharing Annabella's love.

She has left behind a symbol of how precious life is and has shown me how important it is to surround yourself with those who love you, how important it is to count your blessings, to let go of the little things, and to embrace beauty in everyday. The last month I didn't like the new me. I was angry, resentful, and wanted to give up.

Annabella is helping me love more deeply and find joys in the little things. I can't say that this will be easy for me right away. I finally feel it is time to begin healing and I am open to it, unlike before. I was scared of "moving on". But I now realize that I'm not moving away from her, not forgetting her but actually placing her more in my life- for she is symbol of love, blessings, and hope.

Sun setting over the Atlantic Ocean during my trip to Newfoundland 

Annabella, I thank you for taking care of me and watching over our family, I hope to make you proud, I love you. Mommy xo