Saturday, 12 October 2013
Who Am I?
Who am I today? Nearly three months in since losing Annabella I need to ask myself such questions everyday. Losing a child is a matter of rebuilding your life; your relationships, your career, and who you are as an individual. It is a matter of survival. Waking up I need to ask myself what goals I wish to accomplish. Some might be as simple as getting out of the house at least once to something requiring more strength such as going out to a social event. Moving forward and making these goals isn't always easy, it doesn't come naturally it's a choice. Time does help with healing but it's really up to me what my healing looks like. Some days it's lying in bed and some are out and about running errands. But then it can hit me like a freight train. The anger, the sadness, the emptiness...all the emotions that came along with her passing. I cannot be strong everyday and I still need help learning this lesson. It's often a matter of taking steps forward and some back...a push and pull. So back to the question, who am I today? It depends on the day but overall I'm just different now. I know I'm in a much better place with my grief but who I am has changed...I am different. In some ways good and some not so good. It's now become custom to keep those who matter close. To see what's important and what's not worth my time. Those relationships that are in my life I try not to take for granted. Jealously of young families can seep in and anger towards being that 1 and 4 makes me wanna scream from the rooftops. Taking part in the 30 day photo challenge has been very helpful with my healing and has allowed a lot of reflection and springs some hope in my day. Perhaps it's the holidays but today is a step back day, and I'll still have many in the future. Everyday I can't be strong. So who am I today? I'm still figuring it out.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Congratulations Your A Mommy
As the title reads, I received an email from Nestle today titled with those very words...Congratulations Your a Mommy! It stung. Bad.
I received this email quite possibly because Annabella's estimated due date was this coming Saturday, September 21st. Although it was an estimate this date is becoming much more unanticipated then I had thought.
In two weeks time I would have been guaranteed a new life. I should have been staying up to the wee hours of the morning, breastfeeding, singing lullabies, and rocking my baby to sleep. In two weeks I would have been guaranteed all these things. Things I wanted so badly.
Despite the initial sting of those words I am also reminded that I am a mother. I have come to realize that yes pregnancy doesn't always guarantee a child to hold, to rock, to feed, but it does make us moms. I am very different than many mothers but one thing we do have in common is the deepest and strongest love for our children.
I am fortunate for the seven months I spent with my daughter. I took care of her, spoke to her, poked at my belly to say hello. I am so very fortunate I got to meet her, kiss her, and soak her in. For some moms the time spent with their babies is much shorter but they are still moms, just very different.
I am a mother with no baby to hold but not a day goes by that I don't take her with me for is she always in my heart and on my mind.
I received this email quite possibly because Annabella's estimated due date was this coming Saturday, September 21st. Although it was an estimate this date is becoming much more unanticipated then I had thought.
In two weeks time I would have been guaranteed a new life. I should have been staying up to the wee hours of the morning, breastfeeding, singing lullabies, and rocking my baby to sleep. In two weeks I would have been guaranteed all these things. Things I wanted so badly.
Despite the initial sting of those words I am also reminded that I am a mother. I have come to realize that yes pregnancy doesn't always guarantee a child to hold, to rock, to feed, but it does make us moms. I am very different than many mothers but one thing we do have in common is the deepest and strongest love for our children.
I am fortunate for the seven months I spent with my daughter. I took care of her, spoke to her, poked at my belly to say hello. I am so very fortunate I got to meet her, kiss her, and soak her in. For some moms the time spent with their babies is much shorter but they are still moms, just very different.
I am a mother with no baby to hold but not a day goes by that I don't take her with me for is she always in my heart and on my mind.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Healing: Sharing the Love
I was very unsure if I wanted to share my writings and continue my blog since losing Annabella. In the past I have found writing very enjoyable and shared some of my most exciting moments. We shared our travels around Australia, New Zealand and Fiji and our journey through our first pregnancy. Those are such happy memories.
In this part of my life I have had to realize that pregnancy is not a promise. It does not guarantee a baby at the end. The life I had planned and imagined was not gone per say, just different, incredibly different. My days now consist of constant thoughts about Annabella and how much I miss her. I'm trying to find ways to heal after my heart has been broken into a million pieces. In fact, it was difficult coming back onto my blog and seeing how happy I was, my pregnant belly, and to now look at where we are today.
These past several weeks seem blurry. I didn't feel like myself and I had to look into the mirror each day and convince myself that this was my life and that I wasn't dreaming. My arms ached from not holding my baby. Days were hard, long, and lonely. I don't like to recount those days and I won't right now, but I also know that all those tears and aching moments were because I had so much love for Annabella and didn't know what to do with it...
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| Daddy Holding Annabella's Hand |
She has left behind a symbol of how precious life is and has shown me how important it is to surround yourself with those who love you, how important it is to count your blessings, to let go of the little things, and to embrace beauty in everyday. The last month I didn't like the new me. I was angry, resentful, and wanted to give up.
Annabella is helping me love more deeply and find joys in the little things. I can't say that this will be easy for me right away. I finally feel it is time to begin healing and I am open to it, unlike before. I was scared of "moving on". But I now realize that I'm not moving away from her, not forgetting her but actually placing her more in my life- for she is symbol of love, blessings, and hope.
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| Sun setting over the Atlantic Ocean during my trip to Newfoundland |
Annabella, I thank you for taking care of me and watching over our family, I hope to make you proud, I love you. Mommy xo
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Sunshine and Summertime Weeks 20-30
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| 20 Weeks- halfway there!! |
How far along? 20 weeks
Total weight gain: 8 pounds
Maternity clothes? Yep, I come across some old clothes that still fit, but maternity is way more comfy!
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: good, feeling baby move lots at night!
Best moment this week: REACHING HALFWAY! : )
Miss Anything? Nope
Movement: Yes,
Food cravings: unfortunately, sweets hehe
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: nope, feeling more energized
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )
Looking forward to: my next ultrasound!
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| 21 weeks- small cantaloupe or spaghetti squash |
How far along? 21 weeks
Total weight gain: still going with 8.
Maternity clothes? yep, comfiness : )
Stretch marks? Nope, still going strong haha
Sleep: good, but getting some leg cramps
Best moment this week: getting compliments on my growing belly : )
Miss Anything? My longer lasting bladder haha
Movement: Yep, everyday!
Food cravings: ice cream!
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: leg cramps
Belly Button in or out? In but belly ring feeling a little tight
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Excited and happy
Looking forward to: stroller shopping
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| 22 weeks- size of a papaya |
How far along? 15 weeks
Total weight gain: prob 10 pounds now
Maternity clothes? Yep
Stretch marks? Nope, fingers crossed everyday, but line down my belly definetly more prominent!
Sleep: good : )
Best moment this week: Daddy felt you kick! So exciting! We had just layed down to sleep and you were kicking up a storm...now he definitely knows your in there!
Miss Anything? harder to bend over
Movement: Everyday
Food cravings: not really, just eating as normal
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: feeling great this week!
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )
Looking forward to: next weeks ultrasound! Can't wait to see you again!
Monday, 1 April 2013
Hello Second Trimester!
14 weeks
How far along? 15 weeks
Total weight gain: Yep, about 5 pounds.
Maternity clothes? Yes, just bought some pants and tops.Dont need the tops as much
but the pants feel much better!
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: up several times in the night..
Best moment this week: Just growing and getting bigger and
embracing the changes.
Miss Anything? Lately..just sleep.
Movement: Maybe, but not guaranteed, so Im gunna go with no.
Food cravings: chocolate lately.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: still somewhat tired
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )
Looking forward to: feeling him/her move!
How far along? 16 weeks
Total weight gain: yep, belly def sticking out!
Maternity clothes? Pants mostly!
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: better, using my Snoogle Leachco pillow!
Best moment this week: hearing compliments to how great I'm looking haha and picking out nursery bedding/fabric with my mother in law!! : )
Miss Anything? Not really, maybe fitting into some of my favourite clothes.
Movement: think so, but not gauranteed.
Food cravings: this week, gingerale.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: doing much better with energy, skin not always cooperating.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy and excited!
Looking forward to: feeling him/her move and starting some planning on the nursery!
How far along? 17weeks
Total weight gain: I'll have to check at the doctor next week!
Maternity clothes? Pants especially but also long shirts help!
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: good, still weird dreams though!
Best moment this week: Several...firstly feeling him/her kick for the first time. It was a night just to go to sleep and with my hand on my belly there was a thump thump! Anatomy ultrasound where we got to see him/her again!! : )
Miss Anything? Not really, maybe fitting into some of my favourite clothes.
Movement: Yes, he/she is starting to move!
Food cravings: hotdogs this week.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: emotional haha, I cry when I hear a sad song haha!
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Getting more excited everyday!
Looking forward to: anatomy ultrasound on thursday!
Looking forward to: anatomy ultrasound on thursday!
18 Week Anatomy Scan! You were movin and a shakn'! Heart Beat 176!
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| Little arm and hand! |
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How far along? 18 weeks
Total weight gain: 6 lbs
Maternity clothes? Yep!
Stretch marks? None
Sleep: good, sleeping on my belly aint so comfy anymore : (
Best moment this week: Seeing him/her again! You were moving and a shaking! Also, we heard your heart beat at the doctors office!
Miss Anything? Lately, coffee haha
Movement: Yep, about everyday I feel you!
Food cravings: none really, just more hungry.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: still emotional but good emotions!
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Absolutely happy!
Looking forward to: registering for gifts next week with my doula!
Looking forward to: registering for gifts next week with my doula!
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| 19 weeks, applying for the Mothers Day show on Ellen haha |
Weeks 10-13
How far along? 10 weeks
Total weight gain: think so, belly protruding a little, some pants are tighter.
Maternity clothes? Not yet
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Off this week, been having lots of weird dreams.
Best moment this week: So many!! Telling my parents, my aunt
Kim and Uncle Wayne and my cousins and telling my dad!!
Miss Anything? Again, my clear skin.
Movement: none
Food cravings: Orange juice and peanut butter and toast!
Anything making you queasy or sick: some nights I can’t stand some meat but then fine the next
day..off and on.
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: More hungry, still tired and lower back pain.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Getting more happy now that belly
starting to show more.
Looking forward to: Ultrasound!!!
Telling my Aunt Kim and Uncle Wayne, and my cousins!
Telling my parents with a cake!
How far along? 11 weeks
Total weight gain: Unfortunately I think I have, will have to check.
Maternity clothes? Nope
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Bought a Snoogle pillow- loved my sleep with it the first night!
Best moment this week: Receiving our first baby gifts from
Holland!!
Miss Anything? My back pain is preventing me from doing a good workout-
starting to go swimming!
Movement: none
Food cravings: Orange juice is just so lovely right now
Anything making you queasy or sick: Im off and on, one day I wont like something, the next day I
will.
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Back pain is increasing.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )
Looking forward to: Ultrasound is next week…please go by faster!
How far along? 12 weeks
Total weight gain: Yes, definetly, still haven’t checked.
Maternity clothes? Bought a belly band
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: good!
Best moment this week: Our ultrasound and seeing the little
baby for the first time.
Miss Anything? My body
Movement: none
Food cravings: Anything fruit juicey and cereal.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Gender: surprise
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: still somewhat tired.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )
Looking forward to: Telling everyone else now…sending out the annuncements.
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