It's A……!

I have spoken lots about learning to embrace this pregnancy. Unfortunately, this time around it hasn't come so easy, so these past 18 weeks I have learned some ways that have been helpful in terms of "embracement". Some things that have been personally helpful for me are: 

Honesty: Learning to not fear the question "Is this your first?"- "No it's not, I have a baby girl who now lives in heaven, and no I am not sad that you asked, I LOVE talking about her as often as I can, she is still my child, my baby".

Belly Photos:  I began taking belly pictures at 12 weeks of pregnancy. This was difficult, but I've pushed myself to do it and I know how much I'll appreciate it later.

Taking Me Time: Taking time for myself, plain and simple. Time to breathe, let go, and just be. 

Annabella Time:  Giving myself permission to miss her, cry, write to her, talk about her and to her.

Baby Time:  Reading Annabella's books to the baby and listening to Annabella songs.Taking prenatal classes such as yoga, giving myself time to bond with baby and be alone with my thoughts, even if its spending time thinking about BOTH my children and what I am thankful for : )

Finally, we chose to find out the gender of our baby.

We had to really think about this, finding out the gender of this baby or not. After searching our hearts we both came to the conclusion that it would bring excitement and joy back to this pregnancy. It has been hard to bond with this baby and since knowing the gender that bond has grown tremendously. Of course finding out the gender isn't something everyone plans on doing and does not mean you can't bond or love your baby but you have to do what feels best for you, what helps your heart, and this was something that helped ours.

I took a sealed envelope to a local baker and had her fill two cupcakes with icing- either blue or pink. We sat and had a nice dinner at home and for dessert- the cupcakes. We were both so nervous, me especially, and then we bit into them! It was an amazing experience! We laughed, cried a little, and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. It became much more real for me. I was going to be a mother of two. I wanted to tell our friends and family who would be joining our family, but in a special way of course.

So then came the gender reveal gathering.

On a beautiful sunny afternoon with loved ones all around we ate, talked about the baby, and everyone made their guesses. I set up some "guessing games", provided blue or pink punch, and blue and pink decorations were spread throughout our home. 

Below are some pictures from the day, and at 1:30 pm we all bit into cupcakes I had made earlier, all filled with the appropriate colour of icing…

Our guests snapped photos of their guess with either a moustache or lips…

 TIME FOR THE REVEAL!

IT'S A BOY!

Annabella will have a new little brother : ) 

The reaction...

Such a wonderful, loving day!

Blue onesie sent in the mail from a dear friend for our lil man! 

Mark, Annabella, baby and I want to thank everyone for their kindness and love that day and all that has been given during this pregnancy. Later that evening, I thought about the day and reflected on how blessed we are to be surrounded by so much love. I thought about her lots that evening, wishing she could have been there. I know she is watching over her new brother and that is one thing that I know is special to him and our family. 

Check out the (funny/nervous) video from the first time Mark and I got to find out the gender…

as you can guess, I was so sure I was having a girl, but we are over the moon were welcoming a son to our family : ) 

Defining Pregnancy After Loss

Hope.

The word hopeful has defined this pregnancy the most. 

I was hopeful for the positive pregnancy test, hopeful I didn't miscarry during the first trimester, hopeful I didn't show too early in fears of the questions I might face. I wanted to detach myself from this pregnancy.

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant, I didn't want to attend social events, take pictures, or journal about this pregnancy. I was fearful of being so attached. Fearful of feeling lost and broken and even silly for being so naive if something was to go wrong. And secondly I was and still am grieving, as I always will. Annabella should be here. Sitting in my lap, head on my belly, "spending time" with her new brother or sister. She should be enjoying this experience with us.

You sometimes hear moms say "I hope I can love my second child as much as my first". These moms all know and have experienced the fact that you CAN and WILL love all your children the same, but when one child is in heaven and all you have is their memory the fear of leaving them out, forgetting them/others forgetting them and not honouring them hangs heavy on your heart. Our family will soon look like a family of three but it's a family of four.

We feel as if we have waited so long for this moment- to gain that hope back of holding and kissing and snuggling a child, our child. That desire to become physical, tired, hand's on parents.

We are parents of course, to a beautiful baby girl, whom we kissed and snuggled and love so very much, but we were not expecting to say goodbye to that much wanted physical side so soon. My empty arms have ached since that day we had to leave our girl behind. I still grieve for the coos and cries I do not  hear, the warmth one feels from snuggles, and for the emptiness I feel in our nursery and in our home; rooms that should be so full of life, yet feel so empty.

Blessed.

We feel so blessed to be pregnant, for this sweet life growing inside me. Each week that passes we are even more thankful that our baby's heart is still beating. We have gained so much gratitude for this blessing, such a new found gratitude. We love the daughter we already have and for each other. The love has grown so much stronger within our home.

Pessimism.

There are days when the hope is not always there.  It comes and goes. Some days I lose grasp completely thinking "something will go wrong". This fear of having my hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces, as they have been before.

Embrace. 

I say embrace because I am learning to embrace this pregnancy. Embracing this pregnancy has been and is hard. Being pregnant after loss was a journey I didn't foresee as being a challenge. I didn't imagine the overwhelming heartbreak that would flood back into my life and how grief would come flooding back, let alone the fear of having something go wrong.  I'm still finding ways that have been helping me to embrace this new little one and challenging myself to do so weekly.

Guilt.

To be very honest, most days  I wish I could stay in my house until September, to protect myself and this baby. More often then not, an unexpected sadness overcomes me when I think of the child I have, yet is not here. These days I miss her. A lot. I feel guilty for taking time out of my day for myself and baby when I should be snuggling and reading to Annabella as well. I worry she thinks we have moved on or perhaps others have felt we have moved on past the grief, that this baby makes everything better. It does not.

Letting Go.

Not letting go of the past or of the grief but of the fears, anger, pessimism, guilt, and making room for the love, blessings, and hope.



These words have defined my pregnancy. Each day my mind settles on one emotion, sometimes moving into another. Some days I feel all six of them. Some days I'm brave, sometimes I am not, and I know that is ok. I make goals for myself and talk to Annabella even more. I want her and need her to part of this pregnancy as much as she can and that is one thing that brings peace to my heart. 

Rebuilding & Rainbows

It has been a while since I sat down here to write and share my thoughts with all of you. I still write of course but often in a journal that sits next to my bed, and most often I write to her, to my Annabella. I write to say hello, I ask for her guidance, and I write down words of love and as always how much I miss her.

When I think about 2013 I think of joy and I think of pain. The first six months of 2013 were a fairytale, it was real, it was our fairytale. We were living it. We were expecting our first child and we lived in the pregnancy bubble of sunshine and roses. I became engulfed in so much love for this person growing inside me. Nothing could go wrong.

Then the storm hit.

Where there once was sunshine, there were dark clouds, there was no longer light. Where there once was roses and flowers there was death. Our daughters death. We were taken in by this storm and came out with broken hearts and with our hopes and dreams shattered into a million pieces. We came out lost and with a life we didn't know existed or know how to live in.  It is was a nightmare. But this was our life, it was real, we were living it.


Much of the early days were filled with anger, questions, sadness, pain, and many tears. These were the only emotions I knew for a while. That's when I realized many days were about survival. It was difficult to be who I was when all I knew was anger, and sadness. I had to live through everyday life under this darkness, dealing with day to day situations. I know now that having these feelings is OK. I've been told and have learned that this is normal.  I had to allow others to tell me this and to believe it but my daughter was gone, and the reality of that was painful. It was reality. As months passed I then had to make a choice.

Then came rebuilding.

Some days I still find myself trying to just survive the day, but for myself, much of my healing was about accepting that this was my new life and trying to rebuild it. I am not trying to live the life I used to have before Annabella or be who I used to be but I do have to rebuild my life as a mother, one who mothers a child with wings. I will NEVER accept that my daughter died but to survive I am learning to accept a new way of motherhood, a way to embrace my daughter even though she is not here. I am rebuilding a life with her, just without her.

 On this new journey of rebuilding, relationships have been strengthened, I have found new joys, I count my blessings daily, and I've let go of negativity. I was breathing new air, and I thank Annabella for this often, she opened by eyes and showed me life, love and blessings. Every so often during rebuilding some hinges come unloose and cracks are found. This again is normal, rebuilding takes time and care.

We are rebuilding on a foundation of pain, loss,  struggles and even love, the love for our Annabella. This foundation is what made us so strong and holds us together as a family, it makes us who we are but also provides us with a chance to start anew, to breathe life again.

Then came our rainbow.

15 week rainbow 

Our rainbow came in the form of another pregnancy, a sister or brother for Annabella. We call them rainbow pregnancies because they come after the storm of pain and loss of our babies. For anyone dealing with loss I think a rainbow can be a new found love, a new found hope, dream, or just simply finding happiness again. Not all rainbows come right away and they certainly don't mean that the rebuilding stops, along with the creaks and cracks that appear. Again, were still rebuilding on that old foundation. A friend sent me a quote that I hold so dear to my heart…

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope”

Mark and I feel so blessed for this new life, this rainbow has brought us joy and hope but we are still taking one day at a time. Each day is a blessing. Each morning I open my eyes, I lay my hand on my belly and say "thank you" aloud,  "Thank you for this new day with my baby". Every cramp and pain sparks an alarm for me and every ultrasound is nerve wracking.

This pregnancy brings up many daily emotions, fears and anxiety for all the questions and hurdles I may face and have already faced. "Is this your first child?" "How old is your first child?", "You must be so happy now"etc.  We are having having our second child, Annabella's little sister or brother. The space we hold in our hearts for Annabella will always be hers. If we have a girl, she will be our second girl, and no matter how many children we have one will always be missing. Forever.

Baby number two is due early September 2014 and still many days are about survival. Surviving the questions, the worry, the anxiety, and my still grieving heart.   But we are holding onto hope for in 6 months we plan to hold and kiss Annabella's new brother or sister and show them all the love that we have built up in our hearts and in our home.

With love and hopeful hearts,  The Sterk Family x

Who Am I?

Who am I today? Nearly three months in since losing Annabella I need to ask myself such questions everyday. Losing a child is a matter of rebuilding your life; your relationships, your career, and who you are as an individual. It is a matter of survival. Waking up I need to ask myself what goals I wish to accomplish. Some might be as simple as getting out of the house at least once to something requiring more strength such as going out to a social event. Moving forward and making these goals isn't always easy, it doesn't come naturally it's a choice. Time does help with healing but it's really up to me what my healing looks like. Some days it's lying in bed and some are out and about running errands. But then it can hit me like a freight train. The anger, the sadness, the emptiness...all the emotions that came along with her passing. I cannot be strong everyday and I still need help learning this lesson. It's often a matter of taking steps forward and some back...a push and pull. So back to the question, who am I today? It depends on the day but overall I'm just different now. I know I'm in a much better place with my grief but who I am has changed...I am different. In some ways good and some not so good.  It's now become custom to keep those who matter close. To see what's important and what's not worth my time. Those relationships that are in my life I try not to take for granted. Jealously of young families can seep in and anger towards being that 1 and 4 makes me wanna scream from the rooftops. Taking part in the 30 day photo challenge has been very helpful with my healing and has allowed a lot of reflection and springs some hope in my day. Perhaps it's the holidays but today is a step back day, and I'll still have many in the future. Everyday I can't be strong. So who am I today? I'm still figuring it out.

Congratulations Your A Mommy

As the title reads, I received an email from Nestle today titled with those very words...Congratulations Your a Mommy!  It stung. Bad.

I received this email quite possibly because Annabella's estimated due date was this coming Saturday, September 21st. Although it was an estimate this date is becoming much more unanticipated then I had thought.

In two weeks time I would have been guaranteed a new life. I should have been staying up to the wee hours of the morning, breastfeeding, singing lullabies, and rocking my baby to sleep. In two weeks I would have been guaranteed all these things. Things I wanted so badly.

Despite the initial sting of those words I am also reminded that I am a mother. I have come to realize that yes pregnancy doesn't always guarantee a child to hold, to rock, to feed, but it does make us moms. I am very different than many mothers but one thing we do have in common is the deepest and strongest love for our children.

I am fortunate for the seven months I spent with my daughter. I took care of her, spoke to her, poked at my belly to say hello. I am so very fortunate I got to meet her, kiss her, and soak her in. For some moms the time spent with their babies is much shorter but they are still moms, just very different.

I am a mother with no baby to hold but not a day goes by that I don't take her with me for is she always in my heart and on my mind.

Healing: Sharing the Love

I was very unsure if I wanted to share my writings and continue my blog since losing Annabella. In the past I have found writing very enjoyable and shared some of my most exciting moments. We shared our travels around Australia, New Zealand and Fiji and our journey through our first pregnancy. Those are such happy memories.

In this part of my life I have had to realize that pregnancy is not a promise. It does not guarantee a baby at the end. The life I had planned and imagined was not gone per say,  just different, incredibly different. My days now consist of constant thoughts about Annabella and how much I miss her. I'm trying to find ways to heal after my heart has been broken into a million pieces. In fact, it was difficult coming back onto my blog and seeing how happy I was, my pregnant belly, and to now look at where we are today.

These past several weeks seem blurry. I didn't feel like myself and I had to look into the mirror each day and convince myself that this was my life and that I wasn't dreaming. My arms ached from not holding my baby. Days were hard, long, and lonely. I don't like to recount those days and I won't right now, but I also know that all those tears and aching moments were because I had so much love for Annabella and didn't know what to do with it...

Daddy Holding Annabella's Hand 

Annabella's life was precious and sacred, it was valuable, it meant something, and will continue to mean something. I had so much love for her and I had felt robbed of being a mother and showering her with cuddles and love. I was angry and frustrated. I didn't believe or want my love for her to belong to anyone else but her. Now I see that her love and my love for her can radiate itself onto my life and that with my husband. Showing my friends, family and my husband how much I love them is like sharing Annabella's love.

She has left behind a symbol of how precious life is and has shown me how important it is to surround yourself with those who love you, how important it is to count your blessings, to let go of the little things, and to embrace beauty in everyday. The last month I didn't like the new me. I was angry, resentful, and wanted to give up.

Annabella is helping me love more deeply and find joys in the little things. I can't say that this will be easy for me right away. I finally feel it is time to begin healing and I am open to it, unlike before. I was scared of "moving on". But I now realize that I'm not moving away from her, not forgetting her but actually placing her more in my life- for she is symbol of love, blessings, and hope.

Sun setting over the Atlantic Ocean during my trip to Newfoundland 

Annabella, I thank you for taking care of me and watching over our family, I hope to make you proud, I love you. Mommy xo

Sunshine and Summertime Weeks 20-30

20 Weeks- halfway there!! 

How far along? 20 weeks 

Total weight gain: 8 pounds 

Maternity clothes? Yep, I come across some old clothes that still fit, but maternity is way more comfy! 

Stretch marks? Nope

Sleep: good, feeling baby move lots at night! 

Best moment this week: REACHING HALFWAY! : ) 

Miss Anything? Nope 

Movement: Yes, definitely

Food cravings: unfortunately, sweets hehe

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope

Gender: surprise

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: nope, feeling more energized 

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? on

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )

Looking forward to: my next ultrasound!

21 weeks- small cantaloupe or spaghetti squash

How far along? 21 weeks 

Total weight gain: still going with 8. 

Maternity clothes? yep, comfiness : ) 

Stretch marks? Nope, still going strong haha

Sleep: good, but getting some leg cramps 

Best moment this week: getting compliments on my growing belly : ) 

Miss Anything? My longer lasting bladder haha

Movement: Yep, everyday! 

Food cravings: ice cream! 

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope

Gender: surprise

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: leg cramps 

Belly Button in or out? In but belly ring feeling a little tight

Wedding rings on or off? on

Happy or Moody most of the time: Excited and happy

Looking forward to: stroller shopping 

22 weeks- size of a papaya 

How far along? 15 weeks 

Total weight gain: prob 10 pounds now 

Maternity clothes? Yep

Stretch marks? Nope, fingers crossed everyday, but line down my belly definetly more prominent! 

Sleep: good : ) 

Best moment this week: Daddy felt you kick! So exciting! We had just layed down to sleep and you were kicking up a storm...now he definitely knows your in there! 

Miss Anything? harder to bend over 

Movement: Everyday 

Food cravings: not really, just eating as normal 

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope

Gender: surprise

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: feeling great this week! 

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? on

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy : )

Looking forward to: next weeks ultrasound! Can't wait to see you again!